Sticks & Stones & Runaway Trains

Have you ever tried using sticks and stones to stop a runaway train? What a train wreck that would be!

The runaway train I am speaking of is reaction - the 'back-seat' language of our trauma brain. Let's be clear - everyone has experienced some level of trauma. Trauma is a natural part of our development, born in that first moment we realize our needs will not always be met.

Inside those early experiences, we learn to fight; cry; shut down; appease; or manipulate to get what we need. Of course, we are babies or toddlers at best in those early years, and once we learn how to use a tool, why change what is working, right?

The truth is, coping works until it doesn't. When it doesn't, well... let us avoid that train wreck if we can.

While it is possible to develop healthy coping strategies and have a reasonably stable journey, many of us find ourselves on that runaway train at least some of the time. All relationships that matter to us inevitably hit speed bumps, and when they do, it is not time to speed up; look away; run; throw rocks on the tracks; or hit each other with sticks.

Sometimes it may feel like these are the only things we seem to be able to do.

Know this... most things in life are not certain. We cannot control where our run-away train is headed or the hair-raising experiences our nervous system will encounter along the way.

What we can control is our need for speed; which track we choose; and who is driving the train.

Every time you board the train, you become the Conductor. Conduct yourself accordingly.

Everyone and every part of us has a story... a driving intent. We are the main character in our tale, and our experiences are shaped by who we are choosing to be in any given moment.

If we are on that runaway train, we are speeding. It may feel like our thoughts are racing or unclear. We may feel our emotions rising up into our throat and water pooling behind our eyes. When we are speeding, we often invite the people we love to battle, or we might feel like running for our life.

If you feel like this, slow down. Give yourself cause for pause. I am about to give you the keys to the train. They will help you at least some of the time.

cause for pause

When we are in 'trauma brain', we are more likely to blame ourselves or others. We might feel less confident and more likely to stay and fight - or shut down.

We might shame ourselves for not having the right thing to say or find ourselves explaining our choices - as if asking for permission to give ourselves what we need to be okay.

We could become tyrants or victims. Inside both stories, there is an inevitable enemy.

What we really need is to stop the world when things get too hot to handle and we feel that old familiar energy rising up. We need a moment or several without having to process anything - a moment to just feel.

Ideally, when that train is speeding toward us, it is a great time to step away. Step off those tracks and feel your own sense of direction.

If you find yourself on the train, asking, 'how did we get here?'... STOP. Arguing. Debating. Explaining. Justifying. Complaining. Controlling. Those are all triggered responses tied to our trauma brain. They are dis-tractions that cause us to lose traction on our own intended path forward.

STOP everything you are doing if you can... and listen.

Cause for pause is giving yourself permission to step away. It is giving the other person a reason to honor your need for space. Offer them a reason they are not likely to argue with.

Retreat to the 'rest' room if you must!

trust what you feel

Once you have paused, feel what you are feeling without attaching a story to it. Your body will not lie to you. Our body will always tell us what it needs if we are listening. Bit by bit, we will re-member the language.

Do you need to just breathe? Take a deep breath and a long, slow exhale. Then another. Do you need to walk, stomp, or howl at the moon? Do you need to ground and release? What do you need to give yourself to be okay?

release

Sometimes we just need a moment to collect ourselves before we re-engage. Other times, we might require a more powerful release. Releasing energy on a regular basis will help to regulate the grenade we can sometimes feel exploding inside of us.

If you need to, find a reason to leave the space. Excuse yourself and get yourself outside. If you have access to your vehicle, it is a great place to crank up your music and do a 1-2-3 scream from your gut or sing along as loud as you are able.

Words are Magik. Beware of angry lyrics.

The 1-2-3 scream

Take a deep breath and scream from your belly - up and out until you can no longer feel the exhale. Wait a moment. Check in with yourself and repeat two more times to take the edge off.

don't feed the dragon

If you are walking, walk fast and literally 'hit the pavement'. Imagine a tiny explosion of energy with each purposeful step.

As you are walking, be mindful of the dialogue in your head. That is your shadow-self speaking. Acknowledge it as if it were your younger, less mature sibling who means well, but...

Mentally invite your younger self to sit this one out and focus your attention on the emotional overflow you want to release out of your body. Replace your angry or anxious dialogue with, 'I don't want to feel this. It isn't mine. I am letting it go.' Allow yourself to feel the release through your feet.

Repeat as often as necessary, whenever your dialogue tries to push its way back in.

SHIFTING TO NEUTRAL

If you have not been indulging the dragon, you will notice subtle changes in your body as your nervous system begins to calm.

After a good release, you will no longer feel the energy rising up like fire or sitting like a lump in your throat, blocking your words. Your heart will stop racing. If you were in a 'blind rage', you will be able to expand your awareness. You might feel a sense of calm or at least the absence of rage.

PIVOT

When you feel complete and the fire in your belly is no longer burning, take some time to be with yourself in a place where you will not be interrupted. What was your original intent for the triggering engagement that derailed you? Has it shifted?

What was the trigger and where have you met it before in life with others? Owning it will give you the power to shift the energy and change the story. There are at least 8 other perspectives you could take.

Pivoting is about realigning with your intent. If the person you were with when you derailed was impacted, apologize for your impact - even if you are sure you were right. Your intent likely had nothing to do with wanting to start an argument. You are apologizing for the impact of derailing from the outcome you had intended.

When you feel the need, forgive yourself. This is your reset. Give yourself permission to be human and consider what you might do differently next time to better align with your intent.

Practice ~ Practice ~ Practice

Most everything gets easier with practice, so don't just get it and forget it. Put one tool into practice each day until you can do it without needing your notes.

It's your life. What happens next?

To learn more about how to put these tools into practice, reach out HERE and let's get you on the right track... together.